The Awful Truth

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One of Brad Pitt's high-end hogs just broke down today. Hollywood and Bronson, quite near the Brangelina compound in Los Feliz.

No one stopped to help the famous biker dude. They didn't even get the chance. Brad's security detail—in a vehicle that was trailing Brad all along—quickly snatched up the Benjamin Button star to bodyguard safety.

So much for riding free 'n' easy in the mean streets of L.A., like everybody seems to think the butch star does.

I'm so not surprised. Neither is a Brad camper:

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AP Photo/Morry Gash

Surely we won't have to be calling this one "Vacationgate"? Surely? It's just that Vice-President Elect Joe Biden's office contacted us after we ran an item this week that stated the senator had asked if he could pull a Palin and stay in someone's beach house over the holidays, kicking them out in the process. You know, special political privileges and all that, like magical fancy wardrobes suddenly appearing.

Next thing ya know, Biden's press secretary calls and emails bitching:

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Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images for 20th Century Fox

"I was in Miami and a girlfriend of mine called me and goes, 'Are you making out with girls?' I was like, 'What are you talking about?' But no, no, no—strictly boys for me!"

—Kate Hudson, responding to rumors that she snogged a femme friend of hers while partying in Ef-Hell-Ay. Damn, thought Lohan was getting some competition there—and you did bring a tuxedoed Anne Hathaway as your date to the Bride Wars do.

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When we announced that Toothy Tile won our user-voted year-end awards, the Prop 88s (88 celebrity propositions we want passed, including T. Tile coming out of his very dusty closet), we suggested a lovely ceremony at the Beverly Hilton to make it official. You know, award him with an actual trophy instead of a trophy girlfriend, that sort of sensible thing.

We chose Oct. 11, National Coming Out Day, can't think why. Next thing you know, the senior catering manger from the damn Hilton emails us and wants to know if we really are booking the joint? I said I'd ask.

Toothy? Is it a date?

Miguel/X17online.com

Following their Laker game lover's romp, Reese and Jake went out for a java date in L.A. Except this time, the couple decided to spice things up by going to Peet's instead of Starbucks. And maybe in lieu of a walk, they'll go for a stroll? Vanilla or mocha? The questions are endless.

As announced by the great Britney organ itself, britneyspears.com, Brit-Brit's third single off Circus will be "If You Seek Amy." No, she isn't wondering what alley Amy Winehouse is stumbling through. If ya haven't heard the tune already, give it a listen above and see if you hear what our naughty ears are hearing.

B-Brit's still not that innocent, and neither is the song's chorus. So is the pop song gonna be censored for radio play or what? Would they bleep out not only the catchiest part of the song, but the song's title? There are gonna be tons of angry parents out there once their impressionable youths start chanting "ef you cee kay me" along with the Britster.

Sly how they got away without slapping a "parental advisory" sticker on Circus. Brit could use that sticker herself, taped right to her forehead. Me, too, for that matter!

GAFFIOT / STEPH / POOL / VISUAL Press Agency/ZUMAPress.com, AP Photo/Dan Steinberg, Eric Charbonneau/LeStudio/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
There's so much focus on Brad/Jennifer/Angelina that none of them will ever be a single entity again, so don't you think it's about time someone put the three of them in the same movie? How about a lesbian remake of The War of the Roses, with Brad as the attorney? The fans could see both women naked and trying to kill each other, and Brad could pretend to be smart.
—77bridge

Dear Twisted Mind:
If that tasty little flick actually happened, it would surpass The Dark Knight and Twilight combined. But what the hell makes you think Brad isn't brilliant, bridge-y? He's the doggiest of them all in this sorry scenario and yet he comes out looking like some kind of Gandhi-like peacekeeper in the latest W. Such a pile of crap!

Dear Ted:
I'm interested to hear your perspective on the death of Jett Travolta. Did the family's adherence to Scientology somehow contribute to Jett's death? Or if there wasn't a direct correlation, did their seeming denial of his true condition (perhaps autism or other developmental delay) have an influence because it wasn't treated adequately?
—Melinda

Dear Curious M:
I'm actually gonna go with Lisa Marie Presley on this one (or she did with me, as I said it in the Morning Piss yesterday), and I'll leave it at that for now. Do not use Jett's parents' issues to trample the boy's memory, please.

Dear Ted: 
The only way Toothy Tile or any of the gay celebs could ever come out is when they learn they are about to be "outed" by the media. We will never see a celeb of Toothy's status willingly come out.
—Catman 

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Kevin Winter/Getty Images

"Absolutely Kate! Not even a question. She's such a badass. Not a doubt in my mind."

—Revolutionary Road costar Katherine Hahn when we asked which half of the constantly fighting onscreen couple Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet would win an arm-wrestling contest. We're so not surprised, as Titanic's Rose coulda clobbered Jack in seconds flat. Beef it up, DiCaprio!

Vince Bucci/Getty Images

OK, he's doable, but not that doable. If Rob Pattinson had half the heat the naughtier vampire boys in the mega nonsexual, Mormon-authored franchise Twilight had (Taylor Lautner, Kellan Lutz, Cam Gigandet, hello!), I'd understand all the slobbering, Kristen Stewart included.

But can't ya just see Robby in five years poofy 'n' pasty like Brendan Fraser? OK, maybe that's an exaggeration, as even Brendan took it back off after packing it on, but look, Bobby baby does like to throw 'em back, so that's the bloated road he's headed for, just warnin' y'all.

Also, I love perpetual horniness as much as the next orgasm-starved babe out there, but I just can't see panting—unrequitedly—for Edward for the next 265 installments the Twilight producers are so clearly planning. Harry Potter will be nothing next to this incorporated teen fest!

That said, can we please get Rob to hit the bench press, lay off the booze and perhaps utilize a facial expression or two? Is that so much to ask?

Anne Hathaway was a stunner last night at the Palm Springs Film Fest—no wonder new clandestine boy-toy Adam Shulman came out to support her—but the beauty also has some brains, par-tick about Barack.

"I expect [Obama] to explain that choice of Rick Warren," says Anne. "I don't get it. All my friends and I were trying to figure it out, but we just can't. So I'd love that. Other than that, I expect nothing but the best" from the prez-elect.

Anne's got a lot of time on her hands to get into politics—the usually nonstop working gal tells us she's currently "unemployed...no projects lined up." Damn, is the economy really affecting even the rich 'n' glam? We're in more trouble than we thought.

Tho we're fairly certain the Golden Globe and potential Oscar nominee is gonna be OK. "From your mouth to God's ears!" she exclaims.

And oh yeah, the brunette babe spent the dorkiest holiday ever, check the clip above to find out just how lame it was. Jeez, is Hathaway running just a little too far in the other direction from hanging out with mobsters? You decide, babes. You always do.

—Additional reporting by Becky Bain

Andrew H. Walker/Getty Images for Overture Films

Princess of Skank Aubrey O'Day is no longer a virgin. A Playboy virgin, that is, 'cause A has agreed to bare all and appear on the cover for the mag later this year, as we're sure you're absolutely titillated to hear all about. The worst part about it is how much she's freaking getting paid to get naked, something she usually does for free anyways. Check it out:

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"I feel like I need a drink."

—Sean Penn, on his way to the Palm Springs Film Festival last night, such the surprise from the man who took press questions for his Mystic River Oscar with a tumbler in hand. If Penn wins for Milk, jeez, he'll probably have a bottle at the damn podium.